Keeping It Real

If you couldn't tell graduation is kinda a big topic in my life right now.  Not really because I'm nervous to go on to bigger and better things (I am, but it's not dominating my life) but because I'm scared of the people I'm going to lose in my life after it. (As you could tell from yesterday)

There are a lot of bad feelings in the world:  slimy things, pointy things, when your fingers get wet and turn all raisiny, the texture of bananas, heartbreak, and (my personal worst) those dumb hologram things that make the annoying sound if you rub them, yeah, they feel the worst on my fingers.  Today, I felt something a lot worst, and I kinda feel terrible about something I did when I felt it.

More money was handed out today to certain friends who may go to a school a LOT farther away, influencing their decisions to go away from me.  (yeah.... I'm selfish, it's really terrible) When I found out about that I did something terrible.  Well, I feel like it was terrible.  I prayed a certain person wouldn't get more money.  I'm ashamed.  Yeah, yeah I know there is no possible way I could have changed the outcome, the letter was already in the mail, but I feel guilty now.

After I did that I sat down and told myself something I didn't want to hear, but I really needed to hear.  I said, "Morgan, brace yourself for something terrible.  You are probably going to lose your best friend.  Yes, you will still be able to talk to him/her but he/she will be living four hours away from you and this is not going to last.  You will be alone, and you are going to have to start over again."

Truthfully, I almost lost it right there.  It was pretty tough to keep those dumb droplets of salt-water from seeping out of my eyes, but I did it!  (well... one or two may have slipped past my defenses) I occupied myself helping a younger friend plan an awesome fundraiser and lost myself in charity work for a good hour.  Hooray!!

After my good-deed for the day me and some friends ran to good 'ol V.I. for Free Pie Wednesday.  This is where the worst feeling in the world comes into play.  I can sit there, right next to my best friend, and look at him/her and wish so hard that none of this was going to happen.  I could wish that we were going to the same school, I could wish that one school would not give him/her any money so he/she would be closer, heck, I could wish that a freak meteor would crunch me in my little Jeep and I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore (okay, that was a tad dramatic), but it's not going to happen.  So, I sat there, pasted a smile on my face and pretended everything was going to be okay.  I pretended I was going to be fine.  I pretended.... and I'm ashamed.

My prayer was answered.  He/she did not get more money, but I have a feeling I am going to be starting over again.  I'm going to lose someone I love.  Again.  It's going to be okay.  Everything always works out.  *insert weak smile here*  I can do hard things.  *insert bigger smile here*  Life may not work out how I want it to, and I'm going to wish somethings would happen that won't, but everything has a purpose and for everything is a plan.  I am going to be just fine. (that's what I'll tell myself)

*insert real smile here*

On Graduation

Once upon a time there was a little girl who was EXTREMELY excited to graduate from high school.  She was so excited in fact, she started counting down the days from 846.  Now, because every good story needs an acceptable plot, there was a reason she wanted to leave high school.  She was lonely.  *sad face*  Her very best friend in the whole entire world had moved to the dreaded land of... *shudder* Idaho.  The poor little girl was having the hardest time finding friends in a school where cliques had been together since the days of nap time and chocolate milk. That is why she wanted to leave high school.  Then, one day, she found new friends!  But, alas for the conflict of this story, there were only five months before graduation.  Graduation was coming way too fast.

If you haven't figured it out I am the little girl.  *taa daa*  Life seems almost cruel right now to give me an incredible support system when there are only 44 days until graduation, and 125 until I move to Ephraim.  It's heartbreaking.  Really.  My heart is literally breaking.  Each day a new chunk of my heart dissolves into my bloodstream.  On May 31 I will have a sliver of that beautiful thing.  In 125 days I will be heartless.  *sigh*

College lately has been incredibly frustrating for me.  It seems like all my friends are getting everything they wanted, plus more, while I, on the other hand, am barely scraping by.  I didn't get into my first choice of college.  That day was devastating.  (a large chunk of heart dissolved that day)  Not getting in means I would be leaving most of my friends behind on my incredible journey of wisdom.  Sometimes, okay a lot of the time, when they talk about how much fun they are going to have at this certain school it hurts.  A lot actually.  I know I shouldn't let it affect me the way it does, but I have very little control of my emotions.

So, for now, I will continue to second guess my decision until April 23.  That day will be very, very interesting. Hopefully I have made the right decision and (even if it's not what I want, or where I want) I pray my friends choose the place that is best for them.  I may be a little selfish when it comes to this, but I always want the right thing to happen.

Job Hunting

In my very, very short eighteen years of life I have looked for a job in about three of those years.  The first one I found a job in one stop.  At the Rainbow Snow, working for the most INSANE lady I have ever met.  The second year was not so easy.... I filled out thirty-one applications.  That is 3-1! I didn't even find a job using one of those applications.  This is why I hate living in a college town.  All the college students get the jobs above us lowly high school students.  When I turned eighteen I saw the light.  It was finally my turn to find a job!

Not quite.

You see, I do have an interview tomorrow for a local ice cream shop, but there's a minor set back.  They don't want to hire anybody who will be leaving the valley for school next year.

I have a moral dilemma.

Do I be ethical and tell my interviewer I've chosen Snow.... Or do I play the whole "I'm registered at both places and I'm waiting to see on scholarships" card?  Decisions, decisions.

I guess I'll let you know how it goes! Wish me luck....

The Journey Begins

I made a decision.  It is incredibly shocking. (For many reasons)

1: I don't make decisions.  Ever.  My friends can to attest to that, I refuse to choose which movie we are going to watch, I refuse to tell my date where I would like to eat, and I refuse to make any major decisions until the last moment.  If I had to choose between ending world hunger and not having to make any decisions..... I wouldn't decide.

2: My decision is not what I ever imagined myself doing.  Not in the slightest actually.

3: I'm terrified.  Absolutely terrified.  I can't believe I made a decision that scares me as much as this one does.

No.  I am not joining a fight club (Oops! There goes rule #1), I am not getting a tattoo, and I am not dying my hair.

I am going to Snow College.

AH! I am moving roughly 222 miles away from home, alone.  I do not have a car yet, I have no money in saving, and I am taking this gigantic leap of faith and just doing it.  I know two people.  One of my best friends, Bridger, and another (soon to be one of my best?) friend, Audrey. It is going to be an adventure.  A year-long, expensive, adventure that I am incredibly fearful and excited to be going on.

This is where my journey begins.  The beginning of the rest of my life.