Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Keeping It Real

If you couldn't tell graduation is kinda a big topic in my life right now.  Not really because I'm nervous to go on to bigger and better things (I am, but it's not dominating my life) but because I'm scared of the people I'm going to lose in my life after it. (As you could tell from yesterday)

There are a lot of bad feelings in the world:  slimy things, pointy things, when your fingers get wet and turn all raisiny, the texture of bananas, heartbreak, and (my personal worst) those dumb hologram things that make the annoying sound if you rub them, yeah, they feel the worst on my fingers.  Today, I felt something a lot worst, and I kinda feel terrible about something I did when I felt it.

More money was handed out today to certain friends who may go to a school a LOT farther away, influencing their decisions to go away from me.  (yeah.... I'm selfish, it's really terrible) When I found out about that I did something terrible.  Well, I feel like it was terrible.  I prayed a certain person wouldn't get more money.  I'm ashamed.  Yeah, yeah I know there is no possible way I could have changed the outcome, the letter was already in the mail, but I feel guilty now.

After I did that I sat down and told myself something I didn't want to hear, but I really needed to hear.  I said, "Morgan, brace yourself for something terrible.  You are probably going to lose your best friend.  Yes, you will still be able to talk to him/her but he/she will be living four hours away from you and this is not going to last.  You will be alone, and you are going to have to start over again."

Truthfully, I almost lost it right there.  It was pretty tough to keep those dumb droplets of salt-water from seeping out of my eyes, but I did it!  (well... one or two may have slipped past my defenses) I occupied myself helping a younger friend plan an awesome fundraiser and lost myself in charity work for a good hour.  Hooray!!

After my good-deed for the day me and some friends ran to good 'ol V.I. for Free Pie Wednesday.  This is where the worst feeling in the world comes into play.  I can sit there, right next to my best friend, and look at him/her and wish so hard that none of this was going to happen.  I could wish that we were going to the same school, I could wish that one school would not give him/her any money so he/she would be closer, heck, I could wish that a freak meteor would crunch me in my little Jeep and I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore (okay, that was a tad dramatic), but it's not going to happen.  So, I sat there, pasted a smile on my face and pretended everything was going to be okay.  I pretended I was going to be fine.  I pretended.... and I'm ashamed.

My prayer was answered.  He/she did not get more money, but I have a feeling I am going to be starting over again.  I'm going to lose someone I love.  Again.  It's going to be okay.  Everything always works out.  *insert weak smile here*  I can do hard things.  *insert bigger smile here*  Life may not work out how I want it to, and I'm going to wish somethings would happen that won't, but everything has a purpose and for everything is a plan.  I am going to be just fine. (that's what I'll tell myself)

*insert real smile here*

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