To Be Mo Part 1

(Pre-accident. April 2012)

I know I am going to have to talk about this sometime or another.  These are my real, only slightly censored, thoughts.  There is no point in sugar-coating things, it's time to be real.  This past year has been a huge struggle. This is part one of a three part series of my personal account of my accident. Here we go. 

I have struggled with how to talk about my lovely accident and the effect it has on me.  Even that last sentence makes light of the terrible thing that happened to me, "lovely accident."  I down-play all of the details, and the fact I was hit by a car. I want to live as if I have never been hit by a car, as if a man had never decided to drink, get in his utility van, unknowingly hit a 19-year-old girl and drive off leaving her there to die.  I want to live like that day never happened. 

I tried to do just that. 

Tried.  That's the keyword here.  I can pretend all I want, but I cannot live a lie.  I cannot sit there and say this food is delicious anymore when I cannot taste or smell it.  This is where a slight personality problem comes in, I like to make people happy and one of the best ways to make someone happy is to compliment their cooking.  I could be fed dead rat and would tell them it tasted delicious because I wouldn't be able to tell a difference between that and prime rib.  I cannot smile and and talk about "the good 'ol times" I had with my friends in high school anymore.  Those memories are long gone. 

But I do. 

I have found that I sometimes pretend to remember something in order to avoid an awkward "I was hit by a car" conversation.  I conjure fake memories in order to avoid it.  Example:  Me out loud: "Yes! I remember that one time when we all went to so-and-so's house and ate five gallons of ice cream."  In my head:  Who in the world is so-and-so?  Why did we eat five gallons of ice cream with this person?  Where does this person live?

But now I am done pretending.

 February's issue of the National Geographic is pure gold. There's a very large article entitled "Healing Our Soldiers."  I looked at the cover, opened it up to see what it was all about, and it's about traumatic brain injuries. I love a quote from Army Staff Sergeant Perry Hopman, who sustained a traumatic brain injury.  He said, "I know my name, but I don't know the man who use to back up that name."  

(At the hospital with my sisters. January 2014)

I am Morgan.  But what does that mean? 

This has been the most difficult part of my injuries.  I sometimes wish I would have lost an arm or a leg.  That's an injury that people can see and recognize.  With my injuries, people cannot immediately recognize I have a traumatic brain injury.  They are offended when I do not remember their name or other facts our incredible brain remembers. . The facts we do not realize we remember so easily. I am sorry, I know you have told me the name of your sister's brother-in-law's cousin's hairdresser's dog five hundred times, but it is not going to stay in this brain of mine. Okay, that was an extreme example. Here's a better example:  One night I was with the sisters in my house, I was the only one who could drive, we were leaving the hospital.  Our Mission Mother/Mission Nurse told me to drive to the pharmacy.  I drive home and completely forget that I was supposed to stop at the pharmacy after I unlocked the door.  Twenty minutes later I get a phone call, "Did you get lost?"  "Lost? No."  "Where are you?"  "At our apartment?"  "Oh, the pharmacy closes in ten minutes."  I had completely forgotten in the 5 minutes it takes me to drive home and drop the sisters off at the house.

I got in the car, made it to the pharmacy, and sat there and cried because I was so embarrassed and ashamed. 

  For one to understand what I go through on a daily basis, they would have to experience the exact same situation.  They can read my blog posts, they can read the chapters of my book, but they will never fully understand or realize how devastating this accident is to me.  If I were injured like that, if I lost a leg, I would still know who I was. I would know what it means to be Morgan.  Today is the day I put this lovely accident behind me.  I am just another average 21-year-old girl.  As much as that kills me to say "average" I will because I am alive and am grateful for that. 

When I opened my mission call in 2012 and was scared to death to speak Tahitian, I read a quote by Richard G Scott, personalized it, now it is my constant reminder of WHY I am who I am now: 

Heavenly Father did not put me here on Earth to fail, but to succeed gloriously.

I am reinventing myself. 

I am Mo.

(Soeur Taylor, we are taking a picture!  Um.. Okay!  That's how life is, you just have to go with it. December 2014.)

XXo, 

Mo

"Look Not Behind Thee"

Looking back is an interesting thing. 

We’re going to crack open our Bibles here.  Go find it.  Wipe off the dust.  Can’t find it?  Goodness, download this app for apple or for android and then you will never lose it again, and you’ll be free of allergies because the chances of your phone getting as dusty as that book over there are pretty slim.  open, or click, to Genesis 19.

AH, the story of Lot.  What’s going down here?  Lot is living in Sodom, it’s a pretty wicked place.  (No, not wicked in the “that’s so awesome” sense of the word.  Wicked as in evil.)  Wicked to the point The Lord says, “If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes.”  If he could find fifty people the city would be spared, but fifty righteous people were not to be found. He says, forty-five.  No.  Forty.  No.  Twenty-five.  No.  Twenty.  No.  There were not even twenty people in the whole city who were righteous in the Lord’s eyes.  Because of the wickedness of the citizens Lot receives this advice:

“Escape for they life… look not behind thee…”

Okay, the Lord is telling them to get out of the city or they’re going to be a part of a nice barbeque.   Lot and his family do not want to be rotisserie-d so they start leaving.  The Lord specifically says not to look back (key phrase here people, do not look back), but Lot’s wife must have been feeling hungry, and she looked back. 

Um.  Why didn't she listen to Him and keep her head straight towards her end goal: safety?  Why didn't she keep walking forward?

 She looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.  She looked back.  She wanted to go back.  She wished her family had not of left all of her gold, jewels, and precious things.  Moving onward to a land she does not know, to a place where she is’t comfortable is scary.  Lot’s wife was scared.  What would happen to her when she didn't have all her girlfriends around to sip herbal tea, discuss the latest Kardashian scandal, and cry over chick flicks with?  How would she make do without her favorite little restaurant?  She did not want to move away from these things, even though the Lord told her it was time.

That is the key to this infamous Bible story.  Like all Biblical stories there is a lesson to be learned and we need to implement it into our lives.  We cannot look back at the past and long for it.  I do that.  I will stand on top of a mountain and yell it to the world I am Lot’s wife occasionally.  It is simple for me to look back and WISH I hadn't of done this, WISH I could remember this, and a million other WISHES.

I wish I hadn't have left my house December 13, 2013.  I wish I would have stayed at the chapel that night.  It stretched as far as the point of wishing I had never served a mission. All of these thoughts came in the darkest moments of the recovery of my accident.

How did these thoughts change the situation I was in? They don't.  Wishing I hadn't of been a victim of a hit-and-run did not change the fact that it had already happened. No amount of wishing would bring my memory back.  No amount of wishing will make anyone feel better, in fact, it makes one feel worse.

Wishing is another form of regret.  When we wish we would have, could have, or we should have, we are Lot’s wife.  We are longingly looking back to a time we cannot change.  The only thing we can change is the present.  By our actions here in the present, we are then able to control our future.  We are able to have a future free of the could/would/should haves.  I am moving on with my life.  I still have a life, I am still alive, and God is letting me do whatever I want to do with my life.  I am free.  Here, I am not known as the “Miraculous of Tahiti” and surrounded by people asking for my autograph.  Here I can move on.

I am at a point in my post-accident life where I can sit back and: “Remember Lot’s wife.”   She longingly looked back to her old life and did not look forward to the better life God had prepared for her. Looking back and wishing for the past to change is easy.  Looking forward and seeing a better future God has prepared because of the past is hard.  This is hands down one of the hardest things someone can do.  It takes a lot of faith.  That is what Lot’s wife lacked, faith.  She could not see God; she could not see where He was going to take her and her faith vanished. She looked back.  I am done looking back.  That was yesterday.

Today I choose to have faith.

XXo,

Mo

Day 46...January 28, 2014

Day 46...I just got off the phone with Elder Bertasso. He helped us so much with Morgan. We spoke to him I think everyday while in Tahiti. He called for an update on Morgan. He is as surprised as the rest of us of how well she is doing. It was fun to tell him the stories we have of her and of the big welcome home she received. I also was telling him how Morgan wants to return to Tahiti but also knows that wherever they send her is where she is suppose to be....that's a few months out if that is what she chooses to do....I also informed him that tonight she said that they need to send her somewhere so she can learn Chinese. We all kind of laughed but we are not surprised. Elder Bertasso laughed too. It was a good call tonight because today has been a hard day for different reasons. As a mother/parent you just want to make the best choices to help your kids. I think we all have the best interest of our children in mind. I was second guessing myself today. Questioning some of my decisions but after speaking to Elder Bertasso I know what I am doing to help Morgan is right. I worry so much but my priority is her and as long as I approach decisions the right way, with prayer I can trust the choices I make and have faith that they are the right ones. I am done second guessing myself. I try to be a kind person. I don't like to come off as someone who thinks they know everything or even pretend that I have all the answers. But I do know that what we are doing to help Morgan is the right decision. I am grateful for the phone call tonight from Elder Bertasso. I will sleep well tonight. tomorrow, Morgan and I want to find a missionary and buy them lunch! I told her all we have to do is drive down Main Street in Logan and we are bound to find some!:). I can't end without thanking Morgan's friends. The ones here and in the mission field! We appreciate you all and she loves you all!

Day 45...January 27, 2014

Day 45.... Morgan is sill doing great! Today she had a speech therapy session and I loved the looks Audrey, her therapist, had when working with Morgan. She is doing excellent! Troy and I looked at each other and smiled. Her attitude and smile are awesome! She continues with the "why not" saying. We love it! This weekend was pretty low key. We went early Saturday morning to find warmer clothes for her. Kylee Champlin was so great to help us. I knew it was a one stop shop that had to be quick and easy. It was. We did forget to look at shoes but the girlies helped out Sunday morning so Morgan wouldn't have to wear her "crocs with socks" to church! She was so excited to go. She was planning on all three meetings but I said "maybe we should see how you do after sacrament. She said "missionaries do not skip out on church". She made it about 45 min and then had to go. It was a bit to much just yet.. Today Morgan was able to Skype a missionary friend in Australia. That was fun and Morgan seemed to remember a few more details from stories. I don't know if it just gets her brain working talking with missionary friends but it seems to work. She starts to talk about things more. She was telling me she now remembers scratching the door on the car right before her accident. We heard about it from the Andersens while in Tahiti. Elder Anderson was laughing a bit while telling us how Morgan was trying to back down a steep hill with brick walls on both sides and keep getting to close to the wall and it scratched the door. I asked Morgan before about it but she didn't remember. I told Elder Andersen it might be selective memory but today, she now remembers!! She also got to email chat with a Great MTC friend today who is actually serving in her last area Maraa. That was good for her too. She misses Maraa and Sister Jana Urling. Well, just a week of more therapy and sleep. She has been sleeping a lot so that is good too. I am happy to say that not a lot is going on right now!! It should stay that way for a couple more weeks. Just rest and recovery.

Day 36 and 37...January 19, 2014

Day 36 & 37...I didn't spend the whole day with Morgan yesterday. Morgan had a great day Friday. I keep wondering if I was dreaming or if I was just making it up. It was really a great day. Saturday afternoon when I saw her she was good but it was the end if the day and she seemed confused a bit more. There are so many things that I worry about. It's not just her physical health but her mental also. Mental meaning, she still has difficulties putting memories together and they are not in order. Sometimes she remembers a memory and the next day she honestly doesn't. I am struggling trying to figure out how to approach things with her. I give her journals to read. She tells me she wants her friends to visit. I tell her to let me know names and I will let them know. She says "all of them". I tell her all of them might not be the best idea. So when she talks about someone a lot, I let them know and hopefully if they have time they can come visit. I figure if she has memories about someone, it may be best to have them come while they are on her mind just to reinforce the memories she is having. It seems to work pretty good because those who she has seen are in her everyday thoughts. She still has swelling on her brain but it has come down so much. She is more aware when she doesn't remember something. Sometimes she will say "I don't know what I don't know" I ask her if she feels confused and she says she doesn't. But then other times she remembers the smallest thing. It is just baffling to me. I want her so badly to remember experiences from her past. She has had good and she has had bad but they made her who she is. Maybe that's the problem I need to relax about it more and just love everyday with her. I do love every day with her!! Some of our best conversations are when i am alone with her in the room and we are just chatting. They are also the ones that make the most sense. The nurses today, and visitors of other patients, were telling us that Morgan threw a party in her room last night! Morgan talked about it all morning. She had some debate friends stop by and Morgan said her skull hurt from laughing so much....that's the skull in her abdomen. we thank all of you who were apart of the "party". She needed that and we are so grateful! You can see her thinking more. Like she is in a thought. That is something new that she has been doing. I worry about her and hate to leave her. Yesterday wasn't the best day for me. I woke up to read a message from a friend that helped more then she will ever know. Not all days are going to be good. And it is like one step forward and two steps back. But those good days do help and give hope that more good are to come. We see Morgan everyday so sometimes the progress seems slow but those who see her every week say the progress is amazing from week to week. We were able to attend sacrament together as a family. That was pretty awesome:). Morgan leaned over to me and said "do you see what McCall is doing" For all of you who know McCall...she just wants people to be happy:) and will do what she needs to do to make that happen. I just told Morgan that this is how every week in sacrament goes:). Back to normal....whatever normal is:) I do wish Tahiti wasn't so far away. She misses her missionary friends, members and Tahitian people. She did say again that she hopes the missionaries there are teaching the man who hit her. Another week ahead. I think the doctors meet on Tuesday again to let us know what the week holds for her. We are also anxious to speak to her neuro surgeon to see about when they will replace her bone flap.

Day 34...January 16, 2014

Day 34...sleep does wonders today was Morgan's first outing out if the hospital. Her therapist thought it would be great if her sisters and brother could be with her. I worried about missing school but thought this was a perfect reason to miss school. When I walked in to Morgan's room she smiled and when the girlies walked in she beamed and lit right up!! She was so happy to see them. Morgan had Speech right when we got there. They ask her the same questions everyday. They want her to answer them correctly three days in a row. This shows that she is coming out of her post trauma amnesia. I think that's what it is called. Today was day one with 12/12. So that's a start. For OT we went and took Morgan to lunch at Rubios. Morgan had to pay and do everything herself. She was fine, no problem. She did forget where she put her change. I am quickly finding out that her life will need to be organized. She realizes that though. She wants things in order and worries about messes. Kenz was sitting on her bed eating chips and Morgan told her, in French, that she could sit on her bed but not with the chips. She wants it clean. She likes her planner so she can look back and read what happened the day before. Because she doesn't remember it. I can remind her and it seems like something clicks and she can elaborate on it but then it seems to be gone that quick. Hopefully time will help that. She has memories but they are not in order. She remembers a lot from her mission but today again I told her how she got in the hospital and she seemed surprised. Sometimes she knows and sometime she doesn't. Journals are great. She kept great journals. We are missing some. It's strange but she took photos of her journal after she wrote in them. Really who does that. I asked her why she did that and she responded with "just in case I lost it" Troy copied them so she could read it. We are finding things out everyday and hopefully will track them down. Morgan did not get her calories today. She was 600 short. The doctor told her today that when she will eat 1700 calories he would take that tube out. She was tired and seemed sad tonight. She didn't want the tube feed. I just told her tomorrow is another day and we will just try our best at another day. What can anyone do but try their best, right! She is so cheerful and waves to everyone. Jim, our friend whose wife had a stroke, walked by her room tonight and she smiled and waved. He said "have you been out proselytizing today Sister?" And she said "not today, maybe tomorrow" then she turns to me and says "can I go home tomorrow?" Soon that day will finally come!!

Morgan had her first outing today. The girlies convinced me..and the therapists..that they needed to be there. Now they are coloring on the window

Day 42...January 24, 2014

Day 42...Morgan is adjusting to home very well other then the temperature. She is constantly freezing!:) When she isn't wearing her helmet for safety she is wearing a beanie. She went to therapy yesterday. After speech and PT she was wiped out so we rescheduled OT for next week. I really don't think she will end up doing much OT. Speech for her memory, impulsiveness, and organization will be a big one. PT will be more important once she can put weight on her leg. We are laughing all the time. Yesterday was our first mother/daughter outing just the two of us. It was fun and funny. She knows more about what is going on then I do:). We were getting out of the car and she said "mom, don't you think you should turn off the car?" Then we would laugh. She is doing great. Today we finally met Karla. She knows exactly what we have been going through plus I think more. I have been emailing her over the last few weeks and her emails have helped and comforted us more than she will know. What an amazing and strong person. I hope she doesn't mind me saying but her son was serving a mission and was also hit by a vehicle, a bus I believe. She literally lives just a couple miles from us. What are the chances that two missionaries living so close would have to endure the same trial. They both do have opposite things to over come. and they are overcoming them. I truly believe that as missionaries they are blessed and will have extraordinary lives. The brain is amazing, amazing! We are looking forward to one day meeting her son. Their story really shows that you can overcome anything! We were talking about how all of a sudden life gets put in perspective. The day to day things you worry about all of a sudden do not mean anything. We are talking about this as I have clothes half folded all over the living room floor. I told her usually I would worry and apologize for the mess but I really don't care to much about it right now:) i could apologize but I really don't feel bad about it. Eventually the clothes will get put away and probably more clothes will replace them.
So, when people find out about Morgan they always say to me "what a terrible phone call to receive". Yep, it was...and this is how it went...it was about 11:30p.m. I was in bed, Troy was not. The phone rang and I thought it was Chandler calling to let us know he was on his way home from his debate meet. The caller ID said unknown name so I was a little puzzled. On the other end was Morgans mission president, President Sinjoux. He said that Morgan was is an accident. I thought maybe Morgan finally came down with Zika which is effecting the majority of the people in Tahiti. It's a virus transferred from mosquito bites. Morgan had not got it yet. But then the word accident sunk in. I asked him if she was ok and he said "No". He said she was riding her bike with her companion and was hit by a car and they were doing a scan on her as we speak. He said "you need to pray now and fast for her now, call everyone you know and have them pray for her". I asked him if we needed to come down and he said "yes, you need to come". After that I was pretty much numb and everything seemed so foggy and Troy took over the phone. We called our parents and they called our extended family and the prayers began. The mission president was so good to call and let us know everything going on. He called after her scan and said they need to do emergency surgery right now. I am not sure who all was with him at the hospital but they were with Morgan and said a prayer for her while we were on the phone and they were on speaker. After their prayer Troy also said one. That was a pretty amazing moment. It was like we were there with her. He called again after the surgery and let us know she was stable. We all sat on our sofa most of the night not saying a word. We finally put the kids to bed and I was up trying to find flights out. Troy was telling me to wait until the morning to see what we needed to do. At 7:00 I wanted to start calling the bishop and stake president but worried about calling so early. I thought all night that the only people who knew what was going on was the mission president and us. I was so wrong!! About 8:10 we received a call from the stake president and then everything just took off from there. There were people all night in Salt Lake, New Zealand, Tahiti helping Morgan and making sure she was getting the best treatment and care. Seriously, it was eye opening how well everything was run. I thought that no one else knew. I was so wrong. So that is how we "found out" we have told Morgan about it a few times and it still surprises her. It still stuns us. But where we are now compared to 6 weeks ago is incredible.

Day 40...January 22, 2014

Day 40....Morgan is finally home!! When you leave rehab they play a song on the overhead PA. When Morgan first got on rehab she said the song she wanted was Back in Black. Troy couldn't have been more proud:) she didn't remember that and told them this morning to play U2 A Beautiful Day...that was perfect. But, the PA didn't work so the cute nurses, therapist, social workers etc. tried to sing and dance her way out and ended up singing "so long farewell " from the sound of music which again was perfect because all she has done is watch The Sound of Music in French the whole time she was there. It was pretty cute and I got it on tape to show her tomorrow. We went around and said goodbye to our friends, health care workers, patients and their families. I cried. I am grateful to the workers and I will miss my fellow families of patients. My friend Jim whose wife had a stroke, Gayle whose husband had a rare virus and has a long fight ahead for the next year. I see their eyes and it breaks my heart. You see someone you love going through so much and it's hard and you want to switch places with them. It also reminds me of when Morgan was in ICU in Tahiti. I was leaving and in the waiting room was a Tahitian man with tears streaming down his face. I just went and put my arm around him and said I was sorry. I didn't know what was going on and couldn't understand him if I could ask, but we both were feeling the same thing. I was talking with Gayle and someone was telling her to be more positive. I told her that some days, maybe everyday you are going to feel terrible and feel like you are at your end. I said go cry, take a break, say a prayer, and continue forward. Because that's all anyone can do. Onward and upward. We are loving having Morgan home. She slept most of the way and woke up in Logan. When we hit smithfield and she saw the sign at Lees, she was a bit confused. Then she saw Wendy's and she started to laugh. Then up the sky view hill and the bows and signs were awesome. She loved them and said "that is so much work who did that?" She loved it. They were all so creative. The French and Tahitians signs surprised her. They were all so so great!! Thank you all so much!! It made her feel so good. I appreciate that. I just cried, seriously what else do I do now days. Happy tears though!! We had dinner and family prayer together and looked at photos from her mission and things we have done these last 8 months. We will relive it all tomorrow too. My friend Noel took photos of all the signs and of her coming home so we can relive that again tomorrow too. Thanks Noel!! Thanks again to the pharmacy for filling in today for Troy so he could go down to bring her home. They are wonderful people. We owe them so much and know they have sacrificed so Troy could be with Morgan over the last 40 days. We head back to IMC in three weeks. Hopefully during that time it's uneventful with therapies. Thanks again to you all!!

coming home!! its a beautiful day!!

Day 39... January 21, 2014

Day 39.....it's official, tomorrow is the day!! On day 40 Morgan will get to come home!! She is so excited and so are we. She will stay home for about three weeks. She then goes back for scans of pelvis and brain and then we plan for the next step. So the good part is she gets to hang out at home instead of the hospital until then. She is pretty steady on her walker but I will be there protecting that brain and pelvis 24/7 . The kids are so excited!! Chan has plans with her and so do the girlies. She asked if she was released. Evidently they say it was done before she returned back to Utah but we didn't know of it. I just tell her "once and missionary, always a missionary".

Day 38...January 20, 2014

Day 38....Today Troy and Avery spent the day with Morgan. Troy said she has had great day and will be coming home Wednesday or Thursday. Great news. She won't be having her skull surgery until February. It makes me a little nervous not having it in place before she comes home but we can do this. Morgans request is not to have surgery until after her birthday on February 4th. She want to turn "20" at home!:). She wants visitors and does love to see her friends. Just message me and I will let you know a good time. She will continue her therapies everyday but misses her friends. For those of you who live in the salt lake area feel free to stop by and see her. I will be with her until she makes her way home and just let me know when you would like to stop by. Prayers work!! I can testify to that. She is a miracle and her smile and sense of humor keep us going!! Thank you again to all of you for your support and prayers!

Day 35...January 18, 2014

Day 35....there is so much to say today, I hope I remember it all. I decided I need to be doing all of Morgan's brain tests and games because right now I would fail:) the Morning started off pretty slow for her. She was sleeping when I got there and she didn't want to get up. She didn't eat breakfast, again. With some coaxing she was up and had OT. They did a test on her cognitive thinking. The results estimated that Morgan would need 30% help with......I don't know something. What I really heard was.......not much. Tests by lacing some leather, ok:). I get the therapists need an idea of how she is doing so they know what to help her with. But for me, lets keep on trying. I do love her OT by they way, they are great!! After was lunch. She ate really well. We were sitting there and she had a surprise visitor. It was Elder Cannon and his mom from her mission. I actually met Elder Cannon while we were there. He is Morgan's Zone Leader and was one of the elders who gave Morgan a blessing right when she was hit and followed her ambulance to the hospital. He was able to put some pieces together for us about Morgan's accident. Anyway, I don't know if it was Morgan seeing someone familiar from her mission or what but right after things changed with her. She was making more sense and asking legitimate questions. She was eating, drinking, and realizing she needed to. PT was a breeze and she surpassed all goals without a complaint or reminder to not use her hurt leg. It was really amazing. She had visitors tonight and really carried on conversations with them. She really was like herself. Another thing, Morgan wouldn't wear her glasses. They made her sick. The OT decided to do a vision screening one her. She was reading with her right eye and she read it perfectly. Morgan has pretty bad eye sight. I was shocked! The left eye still was pretty bad. I immediately called Troy because I thought for sure maybe the accident restored her eyesight in her right eye. Well, Morgan ended up having a contact in that right eye. At least since Dec. 13!!! She has been telling us this but we just told her she didn't. But she did! So she took it out and now her glasses work great! Anyway Morgan is really back to being Morgan. She had her feeding tube removed tonight. She is officially tube free all around. She counted her needle marks in her arms and counted 42. I hope tomorrow morning is the same as tonight. I pray for that!! She is amazing!! Right when we heard about Morgan being hit. We have been praying. From the beginning Troy has always prayed for a quick and full recovery. When I first heard him pray for that I was taken back a bit because I was praying for her just to live. I couldn't imagine her having a full recovery. But then I thought "why not?" ...that's Morgan's favorite saying right now...I knew The Lords hand would be in all things and that his will would be done. I was content with that but why not pray for a full recovery. I knew whatever was to happen I would get through it...umm really you have to...but after tonight and seeing Morgan, it's amazing. She is amazing!! I am excited for Troy to see her in the morning. He hasn't been there for three days and I know he is going to be surprised. I am trying not to get to excited. I want to be cautious because that brain is a delicate amazing thing. Who knows what it is going to do, but today was beyond great!! I am praying for tomorrow to be the same. If it is.....I will have no words....I probably will but it will be so great!:). Good night!

Day 33...January 15, 2014

Day 33.....writing early today. I am sitting with Morgan now while she sleeps. I am tired and don't have a lot to say. Pretty sure her calories will not be met today. She seemed a little more confused today during her speech therapy. She was awesome during PT and made green smoothies for occupational therapy. She did that very well. She couldn't really drink any because she is on coumadin for her blood clot. To be honest she wouldn't have drank it either. She had a couple visitors that really made her happy. That was good to see today. Sometimes it's exhausting to try and be so positive. Some days you just need to end it and start new tomorrow. This really is like an endurance race that never ends. You get over one hurdle and you focus so hard on the next one thinking if you can just get past it things will be better, and then you do get past it and something else just as hard is there to greet you. I wish we could add up the hurdles so we can cross each one off once we are finished so we know when the end is here. Like Morg with her PT,its so hard for her when she gets to the end of the hall on her walker. I count how many steps she has left to take and then she can rest. I wish I could figure out how many more hurdles are left so we know when it is the end! Patience is what I am learning. I think I have said that before. I know we all have things to overcome and I am not saying this trial is any harder then anyone else. I am positive many of you have something more difficult to get through. I think any trial we are faced with is difficult for us, hence the word "trial". But, I wish I was better conditioned for this. Ok, done. I will leave with the words from Morgan's mouth " The Sound of Music sounds prettier in French". I agree:).

Day 33...January 15, 2014

Day 33.....writing early today. I am sitting with Morgan now while she sleeps. I am tired and don't have a lot to say. Pretty sure her calories will not be met today. She seemed a little more confused today during her speech therapy. She was awesome during PT and made green smoothies for occupational therapy. She did that very well. She couldn't really drink any because she is on cumidin for her blood clot. To be honest she wouldn't have drank it either. She had a couple visitors that really made her happy. That was good to see today. Sometimes it's exhausting to try and be so positive. Some days you just need to end it and start new tomorrow. This really is like an endurance race that never ends. You get over one hurdle and you focus so hard on the next one thinking if you can just get past it things will be better, and then you do get past it and something else just as hard is there to greet you. I wish we could add up the hurdles so we can cross each one off once we are finished so we know when the end is here. Like Morg with her PT,its so hard for her when she gets to the end of the hall on her walker. I count how many steps she has left to take and then she can rest. I wish I could figure out how many more hurdles are left so we know when it is the end! Patience is what I am learning. I think I have said that before. I know we all have things to overcome and I am not saying this trial is any harder then anyone else. I am positive many of you have something more difficult to get through. I think any trial we are faced with is difficult for us, hence the word "trial". But, I wish I was better conditioned for this. Ok, done. I will leave with the words from Morgan's mouth " The Sound of Music sounds prettier in French". I agree:).

Day 32...January 14, 2014

Day 32.....BIG day today...Morgan hit her 1600 calorie goal and will not have to have tube feeds tonight!! Celebrate now!!!it didn't start off well. She didn't eat breakfast but ate lunch and dinner. She was about 300 calories short and Pops went and bought her a Jr.bacon cheese burger from Wendy's and we cheered her on as she ate it. She did it. Now only two more days to go. In PT today Morgan was awesome and walked-hopped with her walker the longest she has ever done and also worked on going up and down stairs. She was worn out but did so well! Another great thing happened in speech, the therapist told Morgan that tomorrow when Morgan sees her she has to tell her about the best vacation she has ever had. Morgan said "ok, do you have a pen?" The Speech therapist said "yes, why" and Morgan said "because I want to write that down in my planner so I won't forget." If you all only knew how huge that is!!! The fact that she realizes she needs to do that is a big step. It made my day, and her eating of course. She acquired a couple more very soft stuffed animals today. She is getting quite the collection. We brought more piano books for her and she played every chance she was given. The doctors had their meeting and my next week goal of getting her home is a little ambitious. They said one or two weeks so I guess it could be possible. The neurosurgeon will check her brain the beginning of February along with the orthopedic for her pelvis. Her collar bone seems to be doing fine. She is using it quite a bit but it does cause her some pain. The skull in her abdomen bothers her. She can't laugh or cough without it hurting her. I don't know if it really hurts or if its just a weird feeling. Another big thing is Troy returns to work tomorrow. It will be good to try and get back to our abnormal, normal schedule. The hospital pharmacy have been so great. When this all happened, right before Christmas, they were so great to cover his shifts and give Troy the time off he needed to be with Morgan. Thank you isn't enough. They are an amazing bunch who have all been so supportive. Troy has been with Morgan since December 16th not missing a day. I know tomorrow will be hard but we have figured out we can do hard things. It will be good for everyone to try and get back to normal. Morgan looked at photos again. She really enjoys that. Well, I am flying solo tomorrow which will be good. I am counting the days to get her home!!! I still think it will be sooner rather than later!:)

Day 31... January 13, 2014

Day 31....hello again...it was another good day for Morgan. We arrived this morning and she had already started her physical therapy. She was practicing using her walker and the PT was very happy with how strong she was. She also hit a balloon back and forth with Avery while she stood on one leg so they could work on her balance. She was pretty peppy this morning. And good news she ate 100 calories this morning for breakfast. It's better then the 0 calories she has been getting these last couple days but it isn't going to cut it. Marcia is back as her tech and we love, love, love her!!! She needs a raise. We hate to see her have a day off but really she works so hard she deserves all her days off. But lucky for us she was here today and will be there tomorrow. Morgan did awesome with her speech therapy. All of their story problems, reading comp were pretty easy for her. They had to leave and get a different book that was harder. And seriously, I couldn't concentrate enough to figure them out. For lunch sweet Marcia gave Morgan a voucher to go downstairs to the cafeteria and eat lunch with us. We are hoping she would see something that would make her want to eat. She picked some Moroccan salad with tofu but ended up eating half of chandlers turkey sandwhich. Whatever it takes!!! She had speech again and was pretty tired at the end of her 30 minutes. She had a 30 minute break before another round of PT but was tired and in pain when PT rolled around so it was pretty difficult for her. The kids helped her and encouraged her on and she finished strong. She got a pain pill and took a much needed nap. She was able to answer today how she got in the hospital and when she doesn't know a answer to a question she is recognizing more that she doesn't know and answers with " I don't know, my skull is in my stomach" her sense of humor is awesome!! So is very pleasant and kind and always tells anyone who does anything for her, whether she likes what they are doing or not, "thank you". She is so sweet. There is a man in rehab who had a stroke who is always cheering her on. There is another lady who had a stoke whose husband is by her side everyday. I see these people and I love them! I love them for taking the time to encourage Morgan and I see the love these elderly couples have with each other and how they would do anything for their spouse. It's true love and its awesome. I really makes me appreciate Troy and know that he would do the same for me....I am not wishing to be in that situation ever in my life but I never thought I would be in this one. You just deal with what is handed to you in this life but it is nice to know I can depend on Troy to be with me throughout it all!! That is a blessing!! Tomorrow the doctors and therapists get together for a pow wow about Morgan. I am anxious to hear what they have to say and what the game plan is. Thanks again for meals!! They help so much!!

Day 31...January 13, 2014

Soeur Moli sister and her husband came to visit. I could talk to them all day. Wonderful people! Morgan is getting better everyday.

 

Day 30...January 12, 2014

Day30...we are in the "3's" we started off going early to try to get Morgan to the church sacrament meeting. She was not feeling well this morning so I stayed with her and Troy and the kids went. She wasn't feeling well this morning but was doing great this afternoon. I spent the afternoon with her. She read emails, her journal, and did get on Facebook for a second. She has so many messages from friends here and in Tahiti. She enjoyed reading them. Journals are good. It reminds her of experiences and things that have happened recently. She seems to elaborate on things once her memory is reminded of them. She is doing better with remembering little things. Not a lot of little things but more. It was good to spend one on one time with her today. We had some good talks. I asked her about her mission and she told me she wants to go back. "I have more work to do" is what she said. I told her we will see what the future holds. Morgan was reading a part in her journal that she wrote the first week in Tahiti. It mentioned that she was going to be sister training leader next transfer and how crazy it sounded since she just arrived to Tahiti but that was her goal. She did it 3 months after arriving in Tahiti. I am only bringing this up because it shows how determined and goal oriented she is when she puts her mind to something. She is a goal setter and it was her way to stay busy and work hard for her mission. We were telling her that President Sinjoux was saying they set a goal for 1000 baptisms this year and they were at 900+in December. Morgan's comment was "looks like we had to many p-days" Morgan also had a lot of visitors today. We had a lot of our Family come and Soeur Moli family came. What amazing, great, kind people! It was so good to finally meet them. I told Morgan this morning they were coming and she was very excited. She loves Soeur Moli and talks about her often. There is a video clip Morgan had of the two of them trying to knock a mango out of a tree. They were laughing so hard. It was fun to listen to their conversation and laughter. You could tell they were great friends. I need to find a way to post it. I know you would all love it. The Moli family will always be apart of our family. Morgan is still fixated on the fact her skull is in her stomach and says she doesn't want to put it back in her head because she thinks that will hurt. I told her it will be easy compared to what she has been through. We were all talking up food and encouraging her to eat so we can take her home. She ate well tonight and I really think one more week and we will be bringing her home. I am trying not to get to excited about it because no one has confirmed that with me. It's just what my heart is telling me. Morgan wants to go shopping at city creek "anthro" she said and we are all going to Indian oven. She loves that place. It was our last lunch together that Troy and I went with her before her mission. I am starting to plan but being cautious about it. We are very blessed. She is doing amazing and her future is bright!

Day 29...January 11. 2014

Day 29....today was another good day. Morgan is understanding and remembering more. Kenzi and I came down early this morning. Morgan played the piano and the ST gave her a planner to write down everything she does during the day and the time she did it. Also, she writes down visitors names. That way when she forgets 2 minutes later she can look back and read what happened that day. It's working great. She does however argue with what she "knows" to be true and what really is true. We were writing down visitor names and she put my brother Todd and I said that he didn't come today and she says "yes he did" and believes it fully. I see big improvements from two days ago. McKenzie was so sweet to her. She would get drinks, iPads, blankets, anything she asked. Morgan loved it and wanted her right next to her all day. She even told Kenz to come lay in her bed so they could watch a movie together. Kenz also felt Morgan's head and stomach I am sure over 100 times today. Morgan was pretty fixated on the fact her head was "squishy because he skull is in he stomach". "That's really gross" is what she would say. She loved her visitors and would try to make them all feel her head and her stomach. What is funny is her uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings would never tell her no. It's kind of "what ever Morgan wants, Morgan gets". She really is doing great. I think she will be home in a week or two depending on if she will eat. Her ST asked if she was released from being a missionary. I told her "no" and Morgan said "I don't need to be released". It will have to happen I am sure. At first when it was brought up two weeks ago I felt this pit in my stomach but I am at peace with it now. If she wants to go back she will. One last story, I was telling Morgan again what happened to put her in the hospital. We do that a few times a day. She is remembering it better. But this morning I told her a man hit her with his car while she was riding her bike. Morgan asked where the man was. I told her I thought he was in jail but not sure what is going to happen. She said "is he baptized?" And I told her I didn't know and she said maybe the missionaries can teach him. We hope for the best for this man. It would be great if he could learn from his huge mistake and have a good life. I don't know if he has a family, I assume he does. We wish them all well. Its funny because when Morgan was admitted the billing lady came in and was quizzing us on what had happened. When she found out it was a drunk driving she said "where is the police report" we kind of laughed and said "I don't know" and she said "well aren't you going to go after him" and we looked at her like "seriously lady, that's the last thing on our mind". Troy was polite and said that we don't know what the laws in Tahiti are and that we are confident that they will take care of what needs to be done. We are here to learn from mistakes. I hope he does. I know his family went to the mission office and apologized for what he did. That was a nice thing for them to do.

Day 28...January 10, 2014

Day 28....week 4 over..it seems like we have been at this forever. Today is McKenzie's birthday so I was home celebrating with her. She is happy to announce that she is no longer the same age as McCall so last night we had a phone call at 4:00am - I guess it's this morning- it was Morg wondering what I was doing. Then I got another call at 7:00am it was Morgan again crying telling me she want a to come home. Kenz and I are leaving early in the morning and we will be staying with her this weekend. The OP is scheduling Morgan to attend a 30 minute sacrament on Sunday which will be good. Troy was with her all day. He said he saw small improvements. When asked the date she answered it correctly and he does not think she looked at the board in her room so that's good. The ST -speech therapist- gave her word search kind of games that she mastered in about 20 seconds. The ST was very impressed. She gave Morgan some sudoku puzzles, which Morgan has always been able to do, and she didn't have a problem with them. Me, I still haven't finished one in my lifetime. Morgan also ate her lunch, finally!! That was good to hear and was able to follow directions and make a brownie mix in the rehab kitchen. Troy said she knew what she was doing. All these things are great. We just need to somehow get those brain paths to work for her memory. I think it's happening but it's hard to say what the outcome is. Today the thing that keeps going through my mind is the Doctor in Tahiti telling us that after one month we will know what is damaged in her brain. Well today is one month. I also keep thinking of everyone who knows someone that's has to overcome something like this, telling me not to believe everything the doctors say. They give you statistics but its not necessarily what the outcome will be. So I believe her brain can get better. Morgan continues her busy days of treatment through the weekend too. So those family members that want to visit the best time is after 3:30. Call me and I will give more details. I have spoke with some of you already. You will need a code to get in. One more thing, it's one month that Morgan was hit by a drunk driver. I am going to be bold and say those of you who do drink, how about taking a weekend off. Find something else to do this weekend. I find that when I have some down time during the day I start to think and it gets difficult. Today was like that. I wish the 54 year old man who hit Morgan would have found something else to do 4 weeks ago. I can tell you on New Year's Eve when we happened to drive by a liquor store with the parking lot packed with people...I had a sick feeling in my stomach. Just being honest and I know if you were in my shoes or really if you were Morgan on the receiving end of this, you would feel the same. But, you know I love you all! Can't wait to spend so time with Morgan tomorrow! Happy birthday Kenz!!

Day 27...January 9, 2014

Day 27.... Seriously if someone knows who is plowing our driveway will you let me know:). We need to thank them. Thank you!! I just got a call from the hospital. I was a bit worried and then I heard "Hi mom. Where are you?" Holy cow she found a phone and called me!! I told her I was at home and she said "you left me here alone?" Holy cow!! Then I explained I needed to get the kids to bed and to school and her dad would be there in the morning. And she said "ok, I love you" Brings me to tears. I keep thinking I will run out eventually but somehow it doesn't work that way. Morgan had a good day. She is now hopping with a walker. She has to be reminded all the time about not using her right leg. But she gets along very well! Her nurse is a keeper!!! Se will be a friend forever. She is from South Carolina and is so sweet to Morgan. Morgan read her blog and every other Tahiti missionary blog today. She read it out loud and all afternoon. She also found LDS tools and listened to songs and talks. She called the girls when they got home from school and talked forever with them. I guess today what she did most of is talk, and talk. It was fun to hear her. She had a couple visitors today. She was pretty excited so I think she understood who they were. I took a photo just in case to remind her. Elder Russell M. Nelson and Elder David F. Evans. She held her fist up for Elder Nelson to fist bump her. He was kind to do it:) they told her they prayed for her in the temple today. After they left my parents were there and she told my mom "they prayed for me in the temple today". She actually repeated something someone told her. That was so nice to hear!! She just called me again.... I am loving this right now! She is still only able to have family visit. Let me know and I will tell you a good time to see her. Tomorrow the occupational therapists are letting her make brownies. They have a full kitchen on that floor. They also told her she had to eat one. She is just not interested in food. I hope that changes soon. Have a great night.