Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Give Me Bacon!

Sometimes I get into these moods that are just down-right bizarre.  Seriously.

Exhibit A)
A bunch of people doorbell ditched my apartment.  Well, really?  How mature are you?  There's this thing called a peep-hole that I can look out of and see you're not there.  And yes, in the event you were actually the Keebler Elves and left me a delectable plate of cookies I opened the door. Nope.  Nada.  Squat.  I hate you.  My hopes were so high.  I can totally hear you snickering in the stairwell.  So I wrote you a note.  "GROW UP"  That's what it said.  I was tempted to write this though:

Dear fantastic people in lack of stimulating entertainment,
I am sorry you are so unfortunate you don't have boyfriends, 
but knocking on random doors hoping there is a boy behind it
is not going to get you closer to the one thing you desire the most:
a wedding.  Yes, you probably are the ripe old age of 19 and worried
that if you wait any longer you'll be out of the "ripe" years of 
child-bearing.  I have some advice for you.  First of all, you should 
knock on the doors of men.  Not me.  I'm a girl and I'm not even
single, so if for some reason you play for the other team.  Not going 
to happen.  Second of all you should at least deliver a tasty treat
to make up for the fact I had to haul my butt off the couch whilst
studying to figure out nobody was there.  Thirdly, if you're looking
for a man and you leave a treat, don't go with the cliche' cupcakes
or cookies.  Go for something manly.  Leave a plate of sizzling hot
bacon.  Come on, who wouldn't fall in love with you if you left
a plate of bacon at their door?  Fourthly, grow some lady balls and
just stand at the door with your bacon in person.  There's no need
to run away.  I'm sure there's a boy desperate enough to accept
you and your bacon for who you are.  He'd probably like to picture
the face that gave him a piping hot slab of pig.  If you need anymore
relationship advice give me a ring.  I'll accept tickets to Thriller or 
the Trans-Siberian Orchestra as my payment.
Thank you.
Your neighbor in 303

Yeah, I'm going to go tape this on my door now.

Exhibit B)
I ran into my door.  Like full on *BAM* into my closed door.  Who does that??  That's not the most embarrassing part though... As my Nasal cavity impacted the solid oak/pine/random tree plank the first thing that popped into my head was "OH NO!! Dobby sealed the entrance to the platform!! How am I going to get to Hogwarts now?!"  Somebody please help me.  I've never been obsessed with Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings, or Doctor Who.  *cringe*  Am I turning into one of "them"? (I respect them.  They devote more of their life to the above 3 shows than I did to debate and AP gov... and that's A LOT of devotion.)  I prefer Glee currently.  I'm a gleek.  hehe.

Exhibit C)
You just read this post didn't you?  You now understand.



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